Here’s the bad joke of Hollywood Christmas movies. They tend to start and end with a blast of old-school Christmas cheer. But that’s just a tease. In between, most are keen to stay away from the Christmas spirit as much as possible. Instead, they trade in the new American spirit: vulgar, violent, full of false fun, and celebrate their crudeness. To trace the genesis of the anti-Christmas movie (“Jingle All the Way”, “Violent Night”), you probably have to go back to two films thought to be classics (but not by me): “A Christmas Story” and “Home Alone” “, both glasses of eggnog filled with misanthropy.
However, I’m not sure a Hollywood movie has started the season in a less authentic Christmas spirit than “Red One.” Sure enough, J.K. Simmons plays Santa Claus (who gets kidnapped), and Simmons wins with his wise old-fashioned innocence. Dwayne Johnson, as Santa’s bodyguard (who wants to retire because he’s having a crisis of faith), is his very affable self. The weird thing about the movie is that although it’s a bit satirical, it’s not really a comedy. Directed by Jake Kasdan, “Red One” is both a charmless card and an action film; A kidnapping-rescue thriller in which toy store cabinet doors are mysterious portals; And an exercise in building a Christmas world, as if this The thing that was missing from Christmas.
In the beginning, Santa Simons is sitting on his throne, greeting a line of kids in a mall, a location he finds to be the most spiritual place on Earth (which shows you how far we’ve come from “Jingle All the Way” – even Santa now digs capitalism into everything !). The hot game of the season, and one the kids keep asking for, is a video game called Vampire Assassin 4. We’re supposed to laugh at how inappropriate it seems for Christmas. Which He is. But “Red One” could almost be the movie version of Vampire Assassin 4. It’s busy and arrogant, full of tacky digital effects, and generally derivative of a piece of violent kitsch.
The first “joke” in the movie that’s not trying to be funny is that the entire Santa Claus project is run like an American military operation. Santa’s code name is Red One. Cal Johnson works for ELF — which stands for Enforcement Logistics and Fortification, which means Cal walks around like a Secret Service agent, barking orders into his wrist radio. CF drones, Sno-Cats, a cargo plane: the film is light on tinsel but heavy on equipment. And the dialogue is techno-stylized enough to sound like something out of a Dan Aykroyd comedy from 1986.
It’s also – of course – a buddy movie. No, not Santa and his bodyguard. (Once Santa is kidnapped, which he does early on, he’s mostly out of the picture.) The friends here, who have begun to hate each other, are Cal, who is tasked with hunting down Santa’s whereabouts, and Jack (Chris Evans), a decadent sports gambler and father A jilted divorcee who is also a kind of super hacker. Notorious forces from around the world hire him, through encrypted communications, to uncover the hidden location of people and things, which he does in easy steps.
It was Jack’s handiwork that revealed Santa’s exact location at the North Pole (under the dome, kind of like a Christmas store version of the Pentagon). This allows Santa to be kidnapped by Grella, an ancient witch played by the always welcome Kiernan Shipka, who I thought (and still think) since Mad Men (and still think) would be a big star — and this film, in its beguiling way, shows why. Grýla is a standard glowing enemy devoid of nuance, like something from the “National Treasure” sequel. However, the way Shipka plays irritates her. Her evil dream? To punish everyone on Santa’s naughty list.
We meet Santa’s reindeer, large, interchangeable digital creations referred to as “girls.” Why are reindeer so long? Why are they all female? This is the kind of “whatever” vanity that freaks “Red.” Cal and Jack start their trip in Aruba just because. At the beach, Cal’s size changes, amusingly, during a fight, and the two must fend off an attack by ferocious snowmen. But that’s just one stop. They end up in Germany in a medieval “Star Wars” cantina trying to save themselves from Santa’s estranged half-brother, the giant dwarf goat man Krampus (Kristofer Hivju), at which point you’re either on the ship or (in my case). Start checking your watch.
The villains are shape-shifting, but the main thing about “Red One” is that the entire film is shape-shifting: hard-hitting action movie, simple Christmas fairy tale, buddy movie, family reconciliation movie — every quarter and demo must serve. In cinema, Christmas is not a holiday anymore, but a concept that must be modified. Do you hear those sleigh bells jingling? Come on, it’s nice weather to ride over the top of the North Pole, through the supply locker gate, and take a cargo plane with you.